


Awaiting an Entire Winter

by cherjaemin



Category: NINE PERCENT (Band), 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV)
Genre: Angst, Drowning, F/M, Gen, Slight mention of alcohol/blood?, death?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-20
Updated: 2018-06-30
Packaged: 2019-05-25 18:19:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14982869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherjaemin/pseuds/cherjaemin
Summary: On a Wintery evening, Yanjun was swept away by a blizzard that made his heart beat too fast and melt at its warm smiled. He never escaped, despite the spring equinox bringing in a monsoon to melt away the snow.“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”― Mark Twain





	1. Fool [1|9]

**Author's Note:**

> Warning Ahead: A very foolish Lin Yanjun who is hopelessy in love with a female character. Also, please don't expect much from this, i'm not a great writer and it isn't finished.
> 
> Music Suggestion: https://youtu.be/0ZB0-ZMgomE
> 
> Twitter: @cherjaemin

[Sandglass](https://youtu.be/0ZB0-ZMgomE)

 

SECTION| FOOL

__________________  
|ACT 1|

     It was all too much. The room felt like it was closing in more and the pressure on their lungs, somehow failed to give out. He couldn’t even manage to look at the person sitting in front of him, without thinking back to a similar situation that occured years earlier on. The first time he confessed was a mess. It was full of hiccups, spilled coffee, and stuttering over lines he had practiced countless times before. However, as soon as he glanced up to meet a pair of bright, shiny orbs, his heart decided to leap up and close his throat right then and there.

 

|PRELUDE|

 

  _“Please, oh dear lord,” he prayed quietly. His hands nervously played a game of show and tell to embarrass him further. He always wore his emotions out in the open for those closest to his heart. It was a lethal weapon against him, and in the wrong hands, it would’ve shattered him._  
 _“I—” A short pause ensued as he attempted to gather his breath and heart that threatened at any moment to escape._  
     “Go on, Yanjun.” A smile was etched on a pair of lips he’d tried endlessly to keep his eyes off for the past two years, since he’d stumbled upon their existence. “I don’t bite much.”  
     The teasing tone sent his mind into a frenzy. He wasn’t functioning well with the strong gaze on him. “Here goes nothing”, he thought. “For the past few months, I’ve come to realize just how much you mean to me…”  
     “Aww, you’re the best friend anybody could ask for!” A hand reached over the table and held onto his cold clammy ones. He would’ve savored this moment and embedded it deeply into his soul, but the word kept ringing in his head. Friend. Friend. Friend. He swore internally if he heard that word one more time, he would bring down the heavens and hells to earth to wreak havoc freely.  
     A bitter smile was inevitable. “So clueless, so slow”, he thought. (But wasn’t that one of the reasons that led him into developing these feelings?)  
     There was a ringing that drew him back to the moment. He wanted to badly get these words out and beg for the phone to be turned off. He would’ve got down on his knees and begged, but it would’ve been fruitless, judging by the smile that always left him breathless.  
     He could’ve spent a lifetime staring at that smile. He tried to engrave them in his memory, but it would and could never compare to seeing those lips form a smile right then and there. A smile just designed perfectly for him. But he knew what that smile, that ring coming from the phone meant.  


_Zhou Yanchen._

 

 _A name that easily brought out that smile he so loved on those lips. Those same lips he’d always wished smiled for him rather than Yanchen. He couldn’t really blame those smiles meant for Yanchen because who wouldn’t like him? He radiated everything anyone could ask for in a partner. Warmth, assurance, bright smiles, sweetness like honey, and love. Love._  
      _Something he struggled expressing outwards._  
     Yanjun watched as she continued glancing lovingly towards the screen. Her smile grew wider with every second passing.  
     “I love you…” He whispered those words and swallowed the bitterness of how futile this was.  
     “Hmm, did you say something?” She asked not looking up from her phone.  
     He plastered a smile as usual, “No, nothing.”  
     His hand gestured for her to continue with her conversation, one that didn’t involve him and one that kept breaking his heart over again every time she did this. Her world and his could never align it seemed. No matter how many times he prayed, begged the higher beings above, it seemed as if all his desperate pleas were ignored and passed like spring breezes. Here, there, and then gone because everyone loved summer too much. Spring would be forgotten as soon as her job was done and they’d made use of her before, setting her aside like peels from sweet oranges. After all, what was its use when all they wanted was the sweet fruit?  
     Maybe that's why he preferred light spring over the much too favored and intensity of the summer heat. “Hey, Yanjun?”       Her voice drew him out of his revery. “Hmm?”  
     “Would you mind if I left early?” She treaded the water carefully, “ I- uh he asked if I’d like to take a walk with him through the Cherry Blossom Park.”  
     He bit back the urge to say no, but who was he to stop her and to tell her what to do? After all he was only a friend. So instead of pouring his heart out even more after the failed confession, and instead of ~~telling begging~~ asking her to stay just a little while longer, he simply smiled like a fool. “Sure, it’s okay.”  
     “Oh, really? Are you sure? I’m so sorry. This was supposed to be just a day for us to catch up and hang out, but— You know how much he means to me, right?” She lightly chewed on her bottom lip and looked at him with those painfully familiar eyes. Those eyes. The look only he could understand way too well. Desperation.  
     “Of course.” He made his voice strong, to hide the hoarseness threatening to reveal his true emotions, “You’ve liked him for.. so long. It’s hard not to tell. I’d be a fool to hold you back.” But only a fool for you, he wanted to say. Instead, like the fool he was, he said, “Go get him!”  
     He raised his fist as if cheering her on. Like always, he plastered that stupid smile. The one that said he was okay when he really wasn’t, the one that lied about his feelings and w️️ho he was. The same smile someone else would’ve killed to see just one more time.  
     She crushed him in a warm bear hug. It went all too fast, he didn’t remember how she got up and around the table so fast. He wasn’t thinking about that when his lungs were engulfed with that citrus smell he loved so much on her. He felt warm tears wetting his light blazer and seeping into the sleeves of his white shirt. She sniffled, “Have I told you how much I love you?”  
     He coughed and forced a chuckle, “I don’t think so.”  
     She pulled back, blinking the tears furiously away, “Well, I love you so much, Yanjun.”  
     His smile withered, as he stared at her face void of any signs that she knew how his heart felt. He wished he could have recorded everything. He tried to memorize all the words and the sound of her voice. But he didn’t wish to hear the next part. Oh, he wished so much how he wanted to erase it forever. He should’ve just stopped her before she continued.  
     “I know it might be hard to understand how I feel right now. This intense need to love and be loved by him, and to get to hear his voice just saying simple things or my name…” She paused smiling through tears, “He makes me so happy for the smallest reasons and no reason at times. Thank you for being such a great friend, I love you for that.”  
     He blinked back the tears before she noticed but it wasn’t as if she ever noticed. The back of his mind wanted to ask if they could stay like this for a while longer, but fate was never on his side. “Of course.”   
     She left like the spring wind even though he wanted her to stay, but he couldn’t call out to her knowing his voice would just get lost during the spring showers. The only thing that could get through the spring showers, was the sun but he was only a lonely moon. Rather than a bright star that could ever catch her attention, he only lingered in the back as a shadow, always there to protect her.  
     He really was a fool.  
     He played the role of the fool so well he couldn’t recall how he was like before. There were many times he couldn’t recognize himself in the mirror. 

  
|ACT 1|

 

     “You’ll be there, right?” There was an earnest tone she hid in the back.  
     He stared down at that piece of gold paper.  
     Written in her perfect calligraphy, with each stroke of gracefulness on the paper, he could imagine her sitting behind her desk. Hair done up in a messy bun, enveloped in that grey sweater she loved, and he could see her being giddy as she carefully sealed each envelope, stacking them on top of each other. The same sweater he’d lent to her for reasons he couldn’t remember, but she’d forgotten to return it and he didn’t have the heart to ask for it back. It was the least he could give her if he couldn’t be the one by her side or if the day ever came when he couldn’t continue being her moon.  
     That day came too soon.  
     All in the form of a single piece of paper. A piece of paper that invited him to her wedding.  
Tell her you’re busy. That you can’t bear to see her smiling at Yanchen as she says her vows to him.  
But this was Yanjun who was a fool for her. He wasn’t the same Yanjun who would’ve been blunt and declined the offer if it was anyone else, but this was the Yanjun he became for her. The weaker version himself that he never wanted to be.  
Why? Why was he so infatuated by her? What made her so different?  
     He himself didn’t know the answer to that simple question. Maybe it was because she was always there for him during his darkest days. She’d held his hands and lent warm hugs all throughout the funeral, even after. However, even before the funeral, he remembered liking her for far longer than that. Maybe he tripped and had fallen even harder for her then. He had shut everyone out during that time.

    All of his friends, his parents, and even his girlfriend.


	2. Flurry [2|9]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now he was thrown into a flurry. Slowly spring was coming to his aid, and melting away the harsh winter that had trapped him for too long.
> 
>  
> 
> "Do not look for healing at the feet of those who broke you."
> 
>  
> 
> — Rupi Kaur

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while since I last posted, so I hope this will suffice. Thank you to everyone that gave it a chance and took time to read it! 
> 
> P.S any mention of a sudden/different scene is most likely of the past/memory, unless stated other wise, so don't be too confused.
> 
> Yanjun is slowly figuring things out and discovering more about himself.

Chapter 2: Flurry [2|9]

 

[Pool](https://youtu.be/UmM7UwdMoSg)

 

 

SECTION| FLURRY

__________________  
|ACT 2|

 

 

     “Of course, I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” Like a fool he kept repeating those words to her. Anything she asked for and wanted to hear, he would’ve said those words in less than a heartbeat. He didn’t regret it after he saw her face light up, but he would later.  
     He watched as she got into the taxi and closed the door for her. Waving to her goodbye, he watched her getting farther away until the taxi was just a speck amongst the vast sea of cars, all going to their end destination while he continued standing there not knowing his destination.  
     The honking brought him back to reality, apologizing for no reason and to no one in particular he went back into the cafe. He sat down like the weight of the world was thrown onto his shoulders. He became Atlas for her, carrying the heavy burden of his emotions all on his own. Swallowing his bitter coffee, he swore he swallowed something else. Maybe it was the taste of death or his heartaches. As if on cue, the world brought down the finest form of mockery, the thunder and grumbling from above greeted him as if they were longtime friends.  
     “Sir?”  
     He put on a polite mask towards the waitress, “Yes?”  
     “We’re closing soon-” He stopped her before she could finish when he saw the pity in her eyes.  
     “It’s okay, thank you.” He sluggishly gathered himself up.  
     Just as he was stepping outside, she called out to Yanjun and gave him an advice on heartbreak. “Be more honest with yourself. Do you love her for who she is or the idea of her that you drew in your head?”  
     “Was I that obvious?”  
     “Clear as crystal. How has she not noticed, is a big mystery.” She hesitated a moment before she said the next sentences that would stay with him for longer than he would have liked, “Before you can receive someone’s love and before you give away your love, ask yourself this question, first. Do you love yourself or not? You can’t possibly give all the best of yourself to them, if you can’t do that first.They deserve the best from you so that they can love all sides of you especially the bad sides. It’s not easy and it won’t get easier, but for the sake of both you and her try. Maybe she isn’t the one… or she never was to begin with.”  
     He’d continued standing by the open door, just listening. He could’ve left and stopped listening as soon as she said the second sentence, but he stayed. It made him intrigued. All these years, had it been just a trick of his mind? “I’ll keep that in mind.”  
     “I’ve seen what heartbreak can do to a person. It never looks good on anyone. You’re going to lose everything precious to you, if all you think about is her.” She held his gaze, with so much determination, he could tell that she was trying to save him from himself. Like everyone had done before. “Don’t push away the people that care about you over a bunch of ‘what ifs’ and ‘what could’ve beens’ because those people that stand by you are your reality. They are your ‘what is’ but it won’t always be like that. Take it from me, who did it all over a boy and girl who could never look past my mistakes and see me for more than what I was because my past always seems to catch up with me.”  
     He felt sick, knowing too well her words were true. He wanted to deny it all, but he was tired from all the denial he had been feeding his soul. He thought about those endless nights that were always filled with fighting his monsters because he just wanted to get away from the harsh reality. Dreaming had always been his escape, but he couldn’t remember exactly when even sleeping had become a luxury he couldn’t afford. His monsters always stayed with him no matter how many pills he took that the doctors told him would make him feel better. They said he would be like how he was before. Normal.  
     What was normal though? Not having to wake up in cold sweat every few hours? Or was it not having to rush into the bathroom every morning, just so he could get to the toilet and empty everything he ate the day before. Along the way, he had scraped his knees against the bathroom cabinets. There were too many times to count where his head felt like it could split open and he’d hug his legs, holding it against his chest and hiding underneath the warm blanket.  
     His tears would soak through the pillow cases and the thick blankets. No matter how many times he’d ask his demons to leave him alone, they always stayed. Somehow he found some comfort in that because they stayed with him through everything like how he wished some people had. He missed the sound of someone humming him to sleep, slowly rubbing the back of his neck and playing with his hair, lightly. He couldn’t remember the face or eyes that looked at him as if he was the only thing that mattered in this damned world.

 

This world that is filled with too many greedy hands and eyes.

 

  
     “Thank you.” That was all he ~~said~~ could say. He wanted to say so much more but he couldn’t seem to find the right words to pluck out of the dark clouds raging outside. So he joined them outside. The harsh wind seeped into his jacket as he walked faster. He had his head down and part of it hiding underneath his jacket, from the pouring rain. It was as if even the damn sky was taunting him. He walked even faster but no matter how fast he walked or ran, he could never outrun fate and the wretched heartbreak that he was destined for.  
     At the corner of every street, he saw the clear evidence of this heartless and selfish world that too many called home. He walked faster and kept going on the same endless path. His fist tightened when he noticed an elderly hiding underneath a bunch of cardboard boxes. He should have helped. Could have helped. Instead he kept walking, he was being selfish. He couldn’t bear seeing someone else happier than him. It really was a selfish decision that he made. He chose not helping that man simply because he didn’t want the man feeling any better. Feeling hope that there were better days and maybe humanity was not dead, just yet. But humanity was dead, at least to Yanjun.  
     There was no one else that would understand that selfish decision he made. No one would ever come close to understanding all his heartaches and all those sleepless nights.  
     He really didn’t know where his feet were leading him, there was no particular destination he had planned on. He passed by a bookshop, hardly glancing at it despite the fact that he adored and cherished books. He passed by a flower shop, a sweet smell like sweet peas mixed with the heavy rain as well as the ozone and petrichor coming from the wet pavement. A memory slipped through a crack hole, somewhere from a locked and dusty file. That file made its home in the back of his brain, he didn’t even recall it happening.  
     A mole underneath an eye, short and curly black hair. Hair that was always messy and curly despite all efforts to straighten it. Laughter that reminded him of a day filled with burnt madeleines, a disappointed pout, and the smell of mint shampoo. He saw the scene play out like a movie.  
     There was flour everywhere in the kitchen, on his clothes, arms, and his face. Cracked eggs in a bowl, half melted butter, a spilled pouch of powdered sugar, and orange peels all over the kitchen island. He saw himself veering around the island, chasing to whomever those short, curly hair belonged to. He felt a figment of the emotions at that moment wash over him, and he wished he could remember who had made him that happy.  
     Yanjun had been laughing as his arms wrapped around a familiar waist and then there was the touch of soft, slightly calloused hands with the scent of oranges still lingering from all the attempts at baking madeleines earlier. Soft fingers like a warm breeze passed by his cheeks and grazed the front of his hair. Then, the cold, wetness came dripping down the sides of his head. He hadn’t minded the raw egg seeping into his hair because he was too busy absorbing the sight of her smile. The right side of her lips was always a little higher than the other, which made her look like she was smirking all the time. He noticed another mole this time near the corner of her lips. He must've stared a little too long because there was a smack on his shoulders and then just like that a kiss hovering over his lips.  
     Yanjun stopped in his tracks. He didn’t remember any of those memories and had no clue who to associate those small details to. A bicycle passed by him and a faint memory of a summer riding them with arms wrapped around his waist, brought him a nostalgic feeling. Then, there was a small picnic set up in the middle of a field of lilacs. The half burnt madeleines made a reentry and the memory of Yanjun then, had laughed as he had forced them down his throat. When Yanjun tried to blink away those memories, he saw himself hand in hand with that soft but slightly calloused hand, walking towards a tree sorrounded by lilacs. He helped her up the branches and trunk. Yanjun had looked up covering his eyes slightly from the sun using his right hand, he had smiled when he saw her glancing down at him with gleeful eyes.  
     A honking from a car brought him back to the present but he couldn’t shake off the image of those eyes. Dark brown like coffee. Eyes shaped like a beautiful crescent when they smiled. He was remembering, but it wasn’t enough.

Who was she?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love reading comments on my works, since i've put a lot of thought into writing these, so don't hesitate to leave a comment/kudos, please! Thank you to @zhidol for always being up to the challenge and editing these ☀️Come talk to me on twitter @cherjaemin

**Author's Note:**

> This is for all the wonderful souls, who kept encouraging me and giving me critical feedback <3 Special thanks to "sungs writing squad" for always hyping me up and to @zhidol THANK YOU REN FOR HELPING TO EDIT THIS! ☀️Points for all of you for getting through the end of this and reading it.


End file.
